I could have sworn I wrote a post back in January but apparently that was just my imagination… Oops! Sorry to leave everyone high and dry. It’s hard to find things to write about when everything is just the same old, same old.
Since Christmas Jamison has started talking significantly more. He makes three word sentences and can almost always communicate his wants and needs. Unless of course he is ticked off about something… then all we get is screaming, lol. I’ll update more about him next week… when he turns TWO!!!
Parker is so talkative and so funny. Everyday he says something (or multiple somethings) that crack us up. This age is so fun because his imagination is really starting to form and things can get processed in his brain in very strange ways. They make perfect sense to him but make all of us scratch our heads. One of the most recent was when he informed Micah and me that some chickens eat their eggs, but not all chickens do that. What? Apparently his Grammy taught him this little tid bit. Interesting…
Now the bigger update.
We found out we were expecting a third baby back on January 27th. We were super excited and after a week or so we started (okay, mostly me) getting excited and thinking names, room plans, and all the other fun things that go along with a baby. We chose to nickname this little one Baybaybee and I started browsing for a super cute coming home outfit with a bumblebee on it.
When I hit about five weeks I started feeling kinda icky. Not nauseous but definitely not normal. My sleep was already horrible and I was a little worried how I was going to make it through 35ish more weeks. I was drained during the day but was still able to keep up with the boys.
As the weeks went by I started feeling better and figured I must be one of those lucky gals that just doesn’t really ever get sick during pregnancy. I only lost it a few times with Parker and that was usually after a meal didn’t sit well and I think only once with Jamison when I tried to pick up Parker. I joked with Micah that maybe I was the opposite of the old wives tale and that instead of feeling super sick with a girl that I felt great, if not better than pre-pregnancy, with a girl.
Try as I might to not worry, the disappearance of the symptoms started to concern me. I wasn’t exhausted, my coffee still tasted great (I got aversions to even the smell with both boys) and overall I just didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I kept telling myself I was being silly and continued to pray for Baybaybee to be healthy and strong.
Our first appointment was last Monday, the 5th. Micah had to stay with the boys so I went to the appointment alone. The paperwork and talk with the nurse was old routine. The first appointment is with an NP rather than the actual OB so we chatted and after the “fun” parts of the visit she pulled out the ultrasound machine so we could find the heartbeat.
Baybaybee popped up on screen and looked just like a little peanut. My heart jumped. There really was a baby there. But then I knew something wasn’t right. I know what a baby should look like on an ultrasound and what I should be seeing that wasn’t there. Then the NP confirmed my thoughts – she couldn’t find the heartbeat. She measured the baby. I was 9w5d according to my LMP and baby measured about 9weeks. This isn’t super concerning because dating for a pregnancy is pretty much guess work. Ovulation can be later than the “standard” and implantation can happen sooner or later than expected as well. But no matter how she moved the camera, there was no flicker for a heartbeat showing up on screen.
She told me she didn’t want to trust her own eyes and she was sending me down for a better ultrasound with a real tech. I had a lump the size of New Jersey in my throat and desperately wished I had Micah with me for support. She told me where to go and then to return when the scan was over. I called Micah and told him to start praying. I got a hold of some of my friends and asked them to pray. I cried the whole time knowing in my heart that even with a better ultrasound machine there would be no heartbeat to find.
As I waited for a tech to come grab me I opened my Bible (yay smart phones!) and started reading. First I did my daily devotional. Then I did my readings in Psalms and Proverbs. Then I started the book of Romans. Despite being scared, essentially alone, and heartbroken I knew God had a plan. Obviously this isn’t the plan I wanted or would ever in a million years pick but there must be a reason.
The tech took me back and did the ultrasound in silence. I could read the tension in the room. There were no sighs of relief from her, only empathy in her voice. She let me know that a radiologist would look at the scans and they would have the results by the time I made it back upstairs. I didn’t need anyone to look at the pictures. I knew.
I called Micah and told him that I figured it was bad news but to keep praying. I kept praying for a miracle but God had already let me know that this wasn’t the child I’m supposed to have in my arms at this point. When the NP entered the room she said the baby measured 8w6d so it had passed away the previous week. I broke down now that everything was confirmed.
She gave me all my options. I couldn’t even begin to make a decision, especially without Micah. She told me to go home, talk to him, and make a plan. Of course before that I needed to go get blood drawn so they could watch my HCG levels. I walked to the lab simply numb and sat in the chair with tears rolling down my cheeks. Thankfully an incredibly sweet older woman came over and took me back. She apologized for all the other lab techs sitting around and laughing while I looked like my world was caving in around me. She gave me several hugs and said she would be praying for me. I wish I knew her name.
I got home and Micah and I just stood in the kitchen hugging and crying. There was nothing else to do. He called work and told them he wasn’t coming in. The poor boys didn’t have a clue what was going on and Parker wanted to know why I had to go to the doctor and if I felt better now. Poor guy.
Of course now we needed to tell our parents. We have this silly thing where we like to make a big announcement of our pregnancies and like to wait until we have heard the heartbeat to do so. Well this meant that not only do our parents now need to be told we are pregnant, they also need to be told that the baby is gone. I think making those calls was harder than hearing the baby was gone.
So that was last Monday. On Tuesday my mom came up to help me out with the boys and then she left on Thursday. Micah’s mom came up on Thursday afternoon and stayed until Saturday. Having them here to keep the boys occupied, help me cook and keep the house running was an incredible blessing. But most of all, having them here to just listen, cry, talk, and uplift us was an immense blessing.
I know that miscarriage is a scary thing for many people. Many are left hurt, confused, wondering, and just a mess of emotions. There are lots that still carry the burden of miscarriage for months and even years. I expected to be hurting for a time and eventually begin to heal. I expected to burst into tears when things reminded me of this child that I no longer carry. But I forgot about something, or rather someone, amazing.
As soon as we found out that the baby was gone I started asking people to pray not only for healing, but for peace. I wanted a sense of peace, a sense of calm, a sense of comfort during this time of chaos and uncertainty. God is faithful. By Tuesday evening I was already finding amazing comfort in His Word. I read through Psalm 119 and verse after verse jumped out at me about finding peace in the Lord.
God reminded me that I have been blessed a thousand times over and used this tragedy to open my eyes to things that have become so commonplace to me. I adore my children beyond measure but being with them day in and day out sometimes makes it easy to forget how amazing they are and that some people aren’t so lucky. We have money to pay our bills, food to eat, and cars to drive.
I feel like I’m rambling in all this and wish I had a way to say all my thoughts more eloquently but I don’t. I know that I am stronger in my faith this week than I was two weeks ago. I know that God is my provider, my comforter, and my rock. I “knew” these things before but now I KNOW them. And I also know that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, he gives us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4). God gives us desires, he plants these dreams in our hearts so that when we seek him he can bring them to existence. We have the desire for more children and by living a life that is pleasing to God we fully trust that a third child will one day be in our arms.